Troll 2

Every so often, a sequel comes along that is not only superior to the original, it is so ahead of its time it will never be equaled. The Empire Strikes Back. The Godfather II. Troll 2.

Sweet. Merciful. Christ. I don’t even know where to start. On the third day of April, in the Nineteen Hundred and Ninetieth Year of our Lord, God created Troll 2. Let there be shit. On every level, and I mean absolutely every level, this movie fails with flying colors. As a film in the horror genre, or any other genre, it is quite possibly the most poorly executed story to ever defile the silver screen. To begin with, I would ordinarily discuss the acting, but in this case, there fucking isn’t any. Michael Stephenson, the protagonist if you can call him that, is not only a talentless, instantly forgettable, completely unconvincing main character, he is without a doubt one of the ugliest little shits I have ever seen. I’m sorry, but Michael wasn’t just beaten with an ugly stick, nor did he fall out of an ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. This little bitch was beaten with the whole fucking tree. Perhaps the title refers to him and his equally ugly friends, I don’t know. Which brings me to another point. Goblins terrorize the little kid’s family, while the tagline proudly proclaims “The original boogeyman is back!” Yeah, except for the minor fact that THERE ARE NO FUCKING TROLLS IN THIS ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE!!! In fact, the word “troll” is uttered a grand total of zero times, and the movie has actually nothing in common with the original Troll beyond its title, in what was clearly a pathetic attempt to cash in on the name recognition. Actually, there are two movies named Troll, but I haven’t the slightest idea which one this purports to be the sequel of, which should tell you something. Maybe you can help. One starred Sonny Bono, curiously, and the other was about a kid named Harry Potter who lived in a mystical world of magic and trolls (Seriously. More evidence that J.K. Rowling is a plagiarist).

Regardless as to which was the “prequel,” the funny thing is that they were both steaming piles of crap, yet they look like a couple of Citizen fuckin’ Kane’s next to Troll 2. On to the plot, which is largely incoherent, probably because English isn’t Italian director Joe D’amato’s first language. It looks like he read the Cliff’s Notes version of Hooked on Phonics, because he hasn’t quite mastered it if his dialogue is any indication. Every other line is laughably retarded, aggravated by the fact that you can practically read the cue cards reflected in the glazed eyes of the “actors,” who appear heavily medicated. It’s hard to blame them given the ludicrous story, which I am struggling to articulate. From what little I understood, a boy’s family becomes the victim of evil goblin plots as they vacation in the town of Nilbog. This comes to the boy’s attention about thirty minutes after the dumbest audience member figures it out, when the town’s name is reflected in a mirror and he breathlessly exclaims, “Nilbog is G-O-B-L-I-N spelled backwards!” No joke, shit-for-brains. Now go back to what you’re good at, being ugly. Soon after, the kid finds out that the goblins have poisoned his family’s dinner, but they don’t believe him. Luckily, his dead grandfather appears to him in spirit form and gives him an idea (I’m not making this up). He then proceeds to unzip his Osh Kosh B’Gosh and piss all over the tainted food. No one’s gonna eat it now! Brilliant! Someone get this kid a medal. I wonder if he solves all problems by drenching them in urine.

When the goblin attack fails, their leader, an obnoxious witch, orders them to eat the family. Oh, but wait, in what is surely a movie first, these goblins are vegetarians! Thus, they must turn the family into plants first, then eat them. The family takes refuge in their living room, and the movie becomes the worst, weirdest George A. Romero knockoff in the history of time. The trolls are obviously midgets with pillows stuck in their shirts. A witch seduces a dude with a corn on the cob, which begins popping, presumably due to her ‘hotness.’ The ghost grandfather comes back to life for absolutely no reason and is never mentioned again. Attention, Mystery Science Theater 3000, this director is about two seconds away from donning an Angora sweater and trying to make Plan 10 From Outer Space.

In any event, after sitting through this shitstorm with a group of friends, I happened to glance at the cover of the copy we had, where a suitably scared-looking kid stands against the ominous logo. The thing is, this was not the kid in the movie I just watched. That’s right, the actor on the cover ISN’T EVEN IN THE GOD DAMN MOVIE. This kid must be counting his lucky stars, moons, clovers and all his Lucky Charms for sparing him from eternal ridicule by his peers. As the credits for Troll 2 roll, you can’t help but admire the courage of the people who contributed to the making of this movie for equally sharing in the blame. As an Unintentional Comedy, I recommend everyone watch it. As a stand-alone film, out of a possible 5, Troll 2 sucks 5 asses.

-Penny Dreadful, 2003